Monday, 14 August 2017

A snow day

There are two ways of thinking about what I saw when I woke up this morning. 

"Woooowsers, what a stupendously glorious snowy morning! Holy moly I'm lucky I get to see this crazy beautiful stunning mountain from my house!"


"If I were not stuck in cfs jail I would totally be up there already, one of the first people climbing up the zigzag track to the deserted, road-closed summit, taking in huge lungfuls of crisp frosty air, glowing red cheeks, snow getting into my boots, snow falling off plants down the back of my neck, eating snow and throwing snow, with a bum-sliding bag and a thermos of hot tea in my backpack. But no, I'm here stuck on the floor in stupid boring CFS land and I might never feel that sort of life-full joy again. Boo ." 

(Fun-in-the-snow day two years ago)

Yeah yeah. And I berate myself when I feel the second and not the first. For dwelling on what I don't, rather than what I do have. And then berate myself for berating myself, because shoulds are stupid, and distract you from living in the moment too. And I know that even if I were healthy, I might have to go to work, rather than go snow-playing anyway. Or one of the many other million rivulets life could take me down.

But what if I'm allowed to feel both of those things? And all the other things too? All the sad and happy and boring things all together at the same time? Because I'm a human and life ain't black and white and binary.

And yes this post is a backlash against the 'fix everything by positive thinking' bullshit that is all over the internet, and its insidious denial of reality. 

Because you know what? I reckon I am allowed. Yeah. So there.

However I do sincerely hope the mountain snow brings delightful joy and laughter to many others playing up there today! xx J

1 comment:

  1. Wow that brings back wonderful memories for me of my life in tassie. The snow trips and hikes. Im going through another relapse in melb and would so love to go back hiking up another tassie track atm. Dont blame you at all for being so frustrated with this disease. I am also. Its so debilitating and isolating. I havent learnt anything more over the 8 yrs of my crashes. WT do we need to learn. My immune systems has crashed. Life stops. Its no fun. I wouldnt wish it on anyone. I just wait and try everything till my system reboots itself. Good to read your blog. Best wishes